I feel like shit. There, I said it. I feel like shit in a way I’ve rarely felt in years. It literally just hit me out of the blue last night, and I haven’t been able to shake that anxious-but-apathetic, restless-but-exhausted, deeply uncomfortable feeling since. I’m annoyed because I’ve been looking forward to visiting home for a month, and of course, this would hit me like a tonne of bricks whilst I’m trying to enjoy myself.
I’m not sure what the purpose of this post is, but writing always helps me more than anything else when I feel bad, so here we are.
I don’t think of myself as a person with depression anymore, because 90% of the time, I aren’t. But I do believe it will always be a part of me, I don’t think (for me at least) it will ever be something that is truly gone with no chance of ever returning. Moments like this remind me how important constant self-care is, and how important it is to never get complacent.
I was tempted to make this a “5 ways to pick yourself up when you’re feeling down” type post, but if I did, I would be lying to myself. Because sometimes, it just isn’t that easy.
I have times when I feel a bit ‘off’ and things like having a nice bath or reading a book can and do help, but I think it’s also important to remember that there are sometimes occasions when superficial things like this just don’t even begin to scratch the surface.
All you can do when those gut-wrenching feelings raise their head is to tell yourself that it’s ok to feel this way. It’s hard to believe that it will pass, but remember that it has done before and it will do again.
Personally, I’m not really sure what triggers these episodes, and I can’t even really explain how I feel. It’s 50% emptiness and apathy, and 50% feeling like a failure, and like nothing I do is good enough. That’s a brief outline, but to be honest, it’s not something that can really be explained.
I always want this blog to be a place of happiness and positivity, but I also want it to be honest and realistic. Not every day, week or month is full of light and productivity and winning.
So, if anyone else is feeling the same as I am right now, rest assured that it won’t be forever. Maybe a ‘nice bubble bath’ or a ‘walk in the countryside’ won’t be enough to make it better this time, but sometimes it’s ok to just put one foot in front of the other.
It’s more than ok to feel like SHIT. xo